Joseph Steel Goes to the Zoo

I looked Joseph Steel right in the eyes and said to him, “That is definitely illegal”.

My name is Nara Tore. I am Joseph’s girlfriend. I took Joseph to the zoo today.

Joseph didn’t blink, and replied back to me, “It’s also illegal for the gorillas to be out of their cages here, so what are you doing walking around on the people sidewalk?”

Joseph was metaphorically referencing my weight and appearance to that of a large ape. All offense asside, he did have a point. I love cake.

“Shut up. I’m talking about the large amounts of coccaine that you are snorting. Not only is that illegal, it also isn’t very good for your health.”

By this point Joseph was gone to a land of euporia and self-created illusions, much like Children’s Cove, an area here at the zoo full of winding trees and twisting slides among other play structures.

“Nara! Don’t move… there is Stegasaurus behind you. It wants to harvest your organs for its young. When I count to three, I want you to run.”

“Joseph, you are not making any sense. I’m going home.”

“Nara, You are the voice of reason and you also have a weight problem. None of this matters to me. I still love you. Nara Tore, will you marry me?”

I thought to myself, “What the hell is wrong with you?” then I said out loud, “What the hell is wrong with you?” By this point Joseph was drooling all over himself. The doctors say he had a mild seizure, which also would explain why he had soiled himself right before his heart stopped and he died.

I have a new boyfriend now. He is allergic to animals so we never go to the zoo. He’s even allergic to goldfish.

The End

BREAKING NEWS

The President of Argentina is hott!


Click HERE for the full story.

I Forgot I Have a Blog...

I guess it's been a little while. My bad.

Anyways, I decided to work on a project today. Well, two projects actually. I needed to clean my room - I was getting tired of waking up to spiders on my chest. And the other project was to take a cover of an issue of The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) and combine it with that of a Playboy cover.

Okay, so let me show you the two original covers:


(JAMA Cover)

(Playboy Cover)
Quite a difference a half naked lady can make. One thing in particular which is important to note about the JAMA cover is it's lack of cover lines (there are none). I needed to find out what was featured in the October 17, 2007 issue of JAMA to correctly display appropriate cover lines on the JAMA/Playboy hybrid. Here's what I found:

Vol. 298 No. 15, pp. 1733-1826, October 17, 2007
TABLE OF CONTENTS

• Institutional Academic–Industry Relationships
• Invasive Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus aureus Infections in the United States
• Adult Cystic Fibrosis
• Adverse Effects of Incretin Therapy for Type 2 Diabetes
• Comprehensive "Proteomic Profile" of Amniotic Fluid May Aid Prenatal Diagnosis
• Elephantiasis Parasite Genome
• Essentials of Diagnostic Breast Pathology: A Practical Approach
• The Death of Sigmund Freud: The Legacy of His Last Days

Take a look above at the words in bold. Those are the ones I chose to insert into the various cover lines of the new cover (with a few "spice" ups). And so now I present to you,

JAMA UNRATED:

(Click on the image to make it larger)
And that is how I spent my day. More people would want to be doctors if I was the editor of JAMA.

P.S. Here is a link to a cool break down of the various parts of a magazine cover.
(For those who are interested in marketing and what not.)

Remember me?

When life gives you lemons, slice them and then sprinkle the juice onto a Fillet Mignon to add flavor. Then eat that delicious son-of-a-bitch.

Sorry, I haven't made any posts in a while. I've been taking (failing) final exams this past week.

I still have one left: Biology. I fucking love biology. I've spent the last 4 hours drawing penises and vaginas in preparation for the reproductive section of the test (Which will consist of 2-3 multiple choice questions with no diagrams. So as you can see, drawing pictures was completely necessary.).

Fun Fact: Inside of you right now, the hydrogen in the water molecules (which makes up about 70% of your body) is 13 BILLION years old.

Now if you don't mind, I need to get back to studying: 8=>

(More posts this summer)

Will Blog for Food

The following are real conversations overheard on the elevator earlier this week:

Girl 1: I'm going to poke holes in all of your condoms and steal your birth control.
Girl 2: Whatever, I'll just take it up the ass.

New Girl 1: Your feet are really big.
Guy 1: I have a horse cock.
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It isn't a competition but...

If I walk into a bathroom, and you are already at the sink, and I finish my business, and you are still at the sink, and I wash my hands and walk out, and you are still at the sink - you lose.

If you spell "definitely" any other way than that - you lose.
See: Link

If you voted for McCain - you lost.

If you do this in your spare time:

- you lose.

If you read A Cream-Filled Blog - you win.

If you are a bear - you win. Unless you are knitting, as bears are not well known for having good finger dexterity.
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If you haven't already, visit my new website:

www.ilikeyourjacket.com

And get your smile on.

Knock it off up there...

I thought I had a good idea when I made this video:



As soon as I uploaded it to Youtube, I discovered it had already been done, by a million other people! It was such a let down for the creative side of my brain - which I believe is the right hemisphere, and the left hemisphere is dedicated to logic and reasoning. This is what it probably looks like up there:



There is a lot more empty pizza boxes on the left side of my brain, and a lot more Rolexes on the logic side. When I made that satirical video of the Tempur-pedic commercial, my creative side was like, "Oh yeah. We rock! Suck on these ingenious and witty balls, logic side!" And my logic side was like, "Whatever." and then boarded their yachts and took puffs from their wooden pipes.

Then I discovered that I was not the first to think of this. And I can only imagine that the logic side enjoyed that, and were probably like, "Well now, would you look at that. You know plagiarism is a serious crime. Oh, and suck on these logistic and analytical balls." And my creative side, sadly was like, "Whatever." and then ordered some more pizza and took puffs from their bongs. (There is too much smoking going on in my brain)

And that is how you get headaches.

Yo dawg, it's a blawg!

So I can be a dick sometimes. I was getting tired of the extremely slow internet connection at my apartment, so I decided to send them an email with some suggestions to help better the connection:

To: The Edge Apartments
From: Matt
Subject: A Friendly Suggestion

Dear whomever this may concern,

I am a resident here, and I would just like to recommend - regarding the internet connection - that perhaps it is about time to upgrade. Even if it is only to dial up, I still have a feeling that would be a bit faster than what it is that you use now, which I assume is just a guy who sits in the basement, recieves a message whenever someone requests to go to a specific website, walks over to Temple University campus, enters the library and logs onto a computer there, looks up the requested website, takes a picture of the page, walks back to the Edge apartment, and sends the picture of the website to the person who requested it, and then repeats this process. That method is fine and all, but sometimes it takes so long to get to the website that I get the feeling this person doesn't have any legs, which may slow him down a bit. Not that I have anything against the handicapped, it's just for this specific job a more qualified employee would be one who ran track before, or at least has legs.

I am sending this message via my blackberry, because I know if I used my laptop here, the time that it took the message to get to you would be the equivalence of if I were to move to China and establish a citizenship, get a job and make enough money to buy myself a nice set of property, write a letter addressed to you, send it, only to have it sent back because I incorrectly formatted it (I would still be getting use to the new culture's mailing format), re-address it, and send it again (assuming that you're still in business and that all of your residents haven't left due to little to no internet service at all). Just a friendly suggestion.

Regards,

Sherburt Montgomery

P.S. Please don't turn off my water for a week because of this email.

I used my alias to protect my room from loss of electricity and water for "unknown reasons". I sent this a week ago, but I haven't heard back, and my internet still moves at the same rate it would have in 1996. However, they have free coffee in the lobby, so we'll call it even.

And hey, if you think I'm a jerk, at least I'm not a cube: