How to Write the Perfect Resume

Your dream job awaits you. Here are some useful tips that will send your employer into complete shock, wishing he had found you sooner, and most likely will build a time machine to go back to when he started his business and hire you right then. So basically, if you follow these steps while writing your resume, you will be hired several months ago:

• Do not laminate your resume. Unless you are applying for the position of a placemat manufacturer at a restaurant, in which case it would be a great idea – as it would qualify as a sample of your work. Make sure to include activities on the back of it for the kids, such as a “Spot the differences between these two similar but slightly different pictures” game, and a youthful joke section. Note: This would only be intended for a more upscale restaurant, as most of the casual diners do not use laminated placemats, which allows for the use of crayons. If you were applying for this position at a restaurant such as Denny’s, your activity section on the back would be open to the option of mazes, crosswords, connect the dots, tic-tac-tos, and more.

• Clip Art is usually not a good idea, unless of course it is this:

Employers are often looking for someone who does not display any fear of dragons. Throw this Clip Art somewhere into your resume to let them know that if ever a situation presented itself that a dragon (whether it be a newborn or a full-grown male) entered the work area, it would not distract you from your work and you would be able to proceed in a timely manner.

• Participating in a clinical trial in which you were required to not sleep for 76 hours, smoke 23 packs of cigarettes, only eat soy products, and then perform a series of IQ and response tests while hooked up to an EEG for 20 dollars, does not count as work experience.

• “Your objective” is not intended to be a list of the super powers you wish to acquire at some point in your life. However, if you do already have a super power, the proper place in a resume to address that would be at the very top of the page in bold, underlined, and all capital lettering – starting with the phrase “I have a fucking super power”. Unless it is X-Ray vision, which you only use to make fun of people with shoes on who are not wearing matching socks. That would go under hobbies.

• If you do have a history of criminal offenses, just make sure to clarify that this was before you had watched Dr. Suess’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas. After which - analogous to the Grinch’s own reconciliation – you had a self-intervention and now not only has your heart grown three sizes larger, but you also are capable of spreading joy and happiness among coworkers by joining hands and singing aloud the song “Fahoo Forays”.

Hope this helps. I will accept 20% of you’re income on your next job as repayment for providing you with this useful and practical information. Oh, and also one last tip: Staple a piece of candy – like a tootsie roll or bag of skittles – to your resume. Who doesn’t like free candy?