Conversations

Before you read this, grab a friend. You will each play a role, and read the lines according to what role you are. Put a lot of emphasis on accents and tones. It is much more fun that way.

Do you have your friend? Are you ready? Okay, here we go:

Snake and Snake Charmer -

Snake: (Nodding head) I like this. What is this?
Snake Charmer: It's called Dum Digga Dum Diddidy Doo, by me and a wooden flute.
Snake: It's catchy. I must look like a silly teenage girl at the club right now.
Snake Charmer: No. You look fine. Don't be so self-conscious. Just be yourself, and feel the rhythm.

Pirate and Girl Scout -

Pirate: A'hoy!
Girl Scout: Would you like to buy some cookies?
Pirate: Chips ahoy!
Girl Scout: No. Girl Scout cookies. Dumbass.

Old man and his breakfast -

Old man: Mm mm mm. Well don't you just look delicious.
Breakfast: ...
Old man: What should I eat first?
Bacon: The eggs!
Eggs: You're such a dick.

Niagra Falls and a boat -

Niagra Falls: Hey there.
Boat: Oh, hi. How are you today?
Niagra Falls: I'm doing fine. You new around here?
Boat: Yeah. Just moved in. Checking out the sites.
Niagra Falls: That's cool. Okay, well... I'm about to fuck your day up.

Horse and Lunch Lady -

Horse: Hey, I'll have hay.
Lunch Lady: Hey, here's your hay.

Arm pits and nipples -

Arm Pit 1: Hey there baby. What shaking?
Nipple 1: Oh god, you're such a pig. Laverne, help me out here.
Nipple 2 (Laverne): Sorry Kathey, but I am having some problems of my own.
Arm Pit 2: Problems? Nah sweet thing, you and me have no problems. What do you say to a double date?

If you like these and want more, let me know. I wrote all of these while watching the first 10 minutes of an episode of Desperate Housewives.

I am also open to suggestions. If you would like two particular things/people/whatevers to have a conversation, send the idea to djButtaSkotch@gmail.com.

P.S.

Photo by Allie from Hyperbole and a Half, who made this just for me because we are best friends.

Why don't girls like me?

Hi, I'm Hitch. When I was 12 I would go to discos, and kiss a shit load of girls.

Moving on, I went to the greatest Korean market ever the other day, called H-Mart. They sell octopus, shrimp flavored potato chips, the blood of any animal, and sweat in a can:



Apparently it is an energy drink, which makes sense. Since you sweat a lot while you exercise, you can get all of it back by drinking this.

Let's get to the fun part. Drawings:







I noticed that the flag of Libya is only one color: green. That is all; no designs or anything else. I kind of feel like if all the other flags had a party they would not invite Libya. I feel bad.

Current Events: I just checked, and no, it is not Friday yet. Dam. (Unless of course you are reading this on a Friday. Then yes, yes it is Friday. But still, why the hell are you reading on a Friday?)

I am going to write an all dialogue story for my next post. Be prepared. I will add pictures to it, for people who hate words.

P.S. Here is a link for an article regarding a killer killer whale: http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-02-24-seaworld-whale-death_N.htm?csp=hf

La Film

Sometimes reading words sucks. So I made a movie for you all to watch instead. It is called "Do Not Open", and based on a true story:



So like I was saying, the fewer words the better. Bye.

UPDATE: I was having some video processing difficulties, and had to convert the video from flash to .avi. The only way to do this was to use the product Smart SWF Converter which now advertises in the top left of the video. That advertisement is not a crucial part to the plot, and can be ignored.

P.S. I am awarding 500 points to all my followers. So if you aren't following my blog right now, you are currently losing.

My Science Project

Since I am a science student, I am going to do a science project for Creamfilled (That is what we will call this blog for short. It will be the cool, hip name for A Cream-Filled Blog. So you can go to your friends and say, “Hey, have you read Creamfilled today?” And they will reply, “No.” And then you will inform them, “Eh. It was so-so.”).

I was reading about a time-continuous random process in mathematics known as “Wiener Process”. I laughed. It was named after mathematician Norbert Wiener. I laughed again. Then I decided to do a science project.

My hypothesis was this: Similar to how gas in a container will expand and spread out to fill that container, people on an elevator will spread out when given chance to.

Once an elevator is filled to its capacity, it begins its ascent to the selected floors above. Upon arriving at the first selected floor, a given amount of people will get out. After those people have left, the remaining people will adjust their positions to cover more area. Take a look at figure A:


(Figure A)

This elevator is currently full. Now let us assume that that the person in the front right exits at the first floor stopped at. This would leave four people left. If no one moved, this is what the result would look like:


(Figure B)

Figure B shows an inaccurate result which defies The Elevator Theory. Due to a process known as ‘elevator expansion’ the correct result would be this:


(Figure C)

Figure C accurately displays the results of elevator expansion. Next time you are on an elevator, take note of this process. A few things to consider if the process fails:

1. Lovers are an exception to this rule, and in fact display inverse properties. Friends display similar properties, but unlike lovers, usually do not uninterestingly stare at each other making silly faces, occasionally giving one another a little kiss on the lips or forehead, and then continue to creepishly stare at each other.
2. Does the other person have Down syndrome?
3. Possibly the other person is waiting for you to move. Oblige him/her.

Since we are on the subject of elevators, if you live on the 4th floor or lower, use the stairs. The sign stating, “In case of emergency, use stairs” may have you believing that they should not be used in a non-emergency situation. However, they are perfectly reliable whether there is a fire or not, unlike the emergency window on a school bus (The door is much safer. Trust me.). I once lived in a 2 floor house and used the stairs on a regular basis. I began using them at a very early age, and I never sustained any injury from doing such a thing.

By the way, as you may have noticed, in no way at all was any of this scientific. All I did was talk about elevators for several paragraphs.

I drew this:



It’s an otter. I love those things. You should too.

Current Events: I will go to the gym tomorrow. Maybe.

P.S. Here is a real cool demonstration of the Wiener process. Look at for hours, it never fails to amaze me (that's what she said):

How to Write the Perfect Resume

Your dream job awaits you. Here are some useful tips that will send your employer into complete shock, wishing he had found you sooner, and most likely will build a time machine to go back to when he started his business and hire you right then. So basically, if you follow these steps while writing your resume, you will be hired several months ago:

• Do not laminate your resume. Unless you are applying for the position of a placemat manufacturer at a restaurant, in which case it would be a great idea – as it would qualify as a sample of your work. Make sure to include activities on the back of it for the kids, such as a “Spot the differences between these two similar but slightly different pictures” game, and a youthful joke section. Note: This would only be intended for a more upscale restaurant, as most of the casual diners do not use laminated placemats, which allows for the use of crayons. If you were applying for this position at a restaurant such as Denny’s, your activity section on the back would be open to the option of mazes, crosswords, connect the dots, tic-tac-tos, and more.

• Clip Art is usually not a good idea, unless of course it is this:

Employers are often looking for someone who does not display any fear of dragons. Throw this Clip Art somewhere into your resume to let them know that if ever a situation presented itself that a dragon (whether it be a newborn or a full-grown male) entered the work area, it would not distract you from your work and you would be able to proceed in a timely manner.

• Participating in a clinical trial in which you were required to not sleep for 76 hours, smoke 23 packs of cigarettes, only eat soy products, and then perform a series of IQ and response tests while hooked up to an EEG for 20 dollars, does not count as work experience.

• “Your objective” is not intended to be a list of the super powers you wish to acquire at some point in your life. However, if you do already have a super power, the proper place in a resume to address that would be at the very top of the page in bold, underlined, and all capital lettering – starting with the phrase “I have a fucking super power”. Unless it is X-Ray vision, which you only use to make fun of people with shoes on who are not wearing matching socks. That would go under hobbies.

• If you do have a history of criminal offenses, just make sure to clarify that this was before you had watched Dr. Suess’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas. After which - analogous to the Grinch’s own reconciliation – you had a self-intervention and now not only has your heart grown three sizes larger, but you also are capable of spreading joy and happiness among coworkers by joining hands and singing aloud the song “Fahoo Forays”.

Hope this helps. I will accept 20% of you’re income on your next job as repayment for providing you with this useful and practical information. Oh, and also one last tip: Staple a piece of candy – like a tootsie roll or bag of skittles – to your resume. Who doesn’t like free candy?

Cool. I slept last night! VICTORY!

Today I discovered pink lemonade in my school’s cafeteria. DOUBLE VICTORY!!!

I enjoy flipping through comments on random Youtube videos and reading them out of context:

Yeah, but I kinda got the hots for my window too.

On that note, moving on…

Yesterday, in my Intellectual Heritage class (Fun fact - I think it is ironic that I just typed ‘intellectual’ wrong, and the spell check had to fix it), we were discussing the topic of genetically modified organisms. I was zoned out way more than usual, and so of course the professor had to call on me to answer a question at that exact moment:

Prof: blah blah blah important blah blah this will be on the exam blah blah blah write this down blah blah MATT, what is your answer?

Me: Oh um, can you repeat the question?

Prof: Sure. Do genetically modified potatoes save lives?

Me: Uhhh. Really? Wait… (During this current state of confusion, I was thinking maybe I misheard the question. But I couldn’t ask her to repeat it again. So I just went with it.)

Me: Well, let’s see... No?

Prof: Really? You say no?

Me: I mean… it’s a potato right?

Prof: A genetically modified potato.

Me: Was it genetically modified to fly and shoot laser beams at murderers? (Only one kid in class laughed at this. WTF?)

Prof: No, it was modified to grow with its own pesticide.

Me: All right, well it’s still basically just a potato then. Just one I wouldn’t want to eat.

(Girl in class): OH! Well have you ever eaten McDonald’s French fries!? I’m miss smarty pants and love ruining days! (She didn’t actually say that last part, but that was the impression I got).

Prof: Exactly. McDonalds is one of the largest distributors of these GM potatoes. And I think everyone here has had McDonalds at one point or another.

(Everyone did acknowledge this, in fact. We were all guilty.)

Prof: So, yes, as you can see these potatoes save lives; they provide nutrition for affordable costs.

And honestly that was it, next subject. I’m thinking: Wait what? When is there ever a situation where someone in the McDonalds drive-through is literally suffering from sort of fried potato deficiency disorder and has no gas to drive anywhere else and if they don’t get those genetically modified French fries soon, they will die!?! Maybe I am looking too far into the question, but at least let me vent now…. Ok done venting. :)

Current Events: If I want to hug you, I WILL hug you. Resistance is futile.

WHO WANTS MS PAINT DRAWINGS!?!

Comin’ at ya’:

That one is entitled: PPDA (Planetary Public Display of Affection). I originally created it for Mercury and Venus, but then I thought the Sun looked like a total Pimp, and changed it. Also, I wish I had more room on MS Paint to draw in the rest of the planets. If this ever makes it to a T-Shirt, I will extend it to Pluto (Which is a planet and says suck it to anyone who begs to differ). Also my original drawing had Neptune at the end saying, “That shit’s disgusting.” I took it out it out though, for a more appropriate image.

Just giving a ‘sort of essence’ or ‘visual supplement’ to my story from earlier in this blog. Orange and brown look so ugly together.

I don’t trust balloons.

I am going to go take a “school test” now, so sorry if <^v all of this v^> seems rushed (Did anyone understand what all those pointy characters I just used meant? They represent arrows, or index fingers, pointing to the rest of this blog. If you caught that, and understood what they meant before I explained it now: You are awesome and we should do lunch sometime). Gota beat the clock!

P.S. You know what’s a fun game? Clicking “paste” (pressing ctrl+v on windows), when you don’t know what’s on your clipboard, and seeing what pops up. Here’s what I got:

possibly due to the fact that my bed sheets were in the shower, part due to the fact that i wasnt even at my apartment

Hexagons: Eat your hearts out pentagons.

So first off, I just want to let you know about a simply incredible thing that just happened. I wanted to learn how to take a screen-shot on a Mac computer. So I go onto Google, and type in the phrase "how to take", fully prepared to proceed further specifying what it was I was curious about taking. But the magical powers of Google stopped me there, as the nifty little drop box came up - the one that shows you search options of what it is you may be looking for based on popular searches - and BAM! First result, I kid you not: "how to take a screenshot on a mac". Out of all the things one could be interested in taking:

1. A date to a dance.
2. Drugs.
3. The subway.
4. Me out to a ballgame.
5. Care of business.

So in honor of this incredibly convenient display of efficiency, and quite fittingly as well, I took a screen-shot of it:



I also noticed a lot of people are taking apart their X Box 360s. I feel like the system will work better when it is in one piece?

Moving on, I just noticed that all my first exams are this week. So I appropriately marked my calendar ahead of time in preparation:


















As you can see I am completely available the last week of February. Wink face.

Current events: I decided that I love everyone today. No one is exempt from this. Feel that? That's me loving you.

I didn't write any new stories, however, I did make some drawings using MS Paint and a touch-pad mouse. Enjoy:










Have a whimsical Monday.

P.S. Does anyone read this?

LOVE

If you were born in mid-November, chances are you were conceived on Valentine's Day.

If you were born near the end of September, or very early October, chances are you were conceived on New Year's Eve.

And if you were born in mid-May, 1970, chances are you were conceived at Woodstock.

The Future is so Last Week

It was about that time of the year for David Livingstone. It was the annual Kentucky Technology and Gizmo Convention. Time to introduce a new gadget to a crazy capitalized nation – who at first would always say, “I will never use something like that, plus it’s way too expensive.” Then in a few months time: “Where would I be without this new gadget? Oh how I love spending money. Money money money, spend spend spend!”

Mr. Livingstone is the C.E.O. of a consumer electronics and computer software company known as Pomegranate.

“BEHOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Mr. Livingstone exclaimed as the convention crowd gathered around him. “I hold in my hand the key to immortality.”

He held up what appeared to be a cup (*SPOILER ALERT*--since I am an omnipotent narrator I will tell you that it was not a cup, but in fact an 8 inch tall butler).

“Good day ladies and gentleman,” said the really freakin’ small butler, “Do any of you want some tea?”

“I would like some, please.” Said a man in the crowd whose nametag displayed the name: Fred Finckleton.

“Ah, Mr. Finckleton is it? I would be delighted to give you this cup of tea” (The cup of tea the butler held, by the way, was absurdly small. I would never degrade myself to a level where I would have to drink out of a cup so small. I like my cups big, and with a handle so I can keep a firm grip. Just the way us narrators like it.) “But first I need to heat it up – I am sure you would much more appreciate an appropriately heated drink.”

“Yeah, I guess would.” Guessed Mr. Frinckleton.

“Sure. Let me just put it in this Pomegranate-made microwave, which you will see is the most advanced microwave on the market. With this in your kitchen, you will never worry about over-cooking a microwaveable meal ever again. Allow me to demonstrate.” The butler put the tea in the microwave and set the timer to 4 days and 16 hours and pressed start.

“Woah!” yelled Mr. Finckleton, “That is way too long! Be careful! I’m worried! I’m Mr. Finckleton!”

“No need to panic, sir. The problem will correct itself, just be patient. In the mean time I would like to tell you the story of a show dog whose life was all about being pampered and groomed and loved by a rich family. Then one day, the family leaves for vacation and completely forgets about the dog. Joe Pesci and some other guy try to break into the house, but the dog sets up booby-traps using every day items and severely injures the two burglars. She then proceeds to sniff her butt for a week until the family retu…”

The microwave interrupted, exclaiming the statement “PLEASE REMOVE YOUR PEIROGIES! THEY ARE EXPLODING INSIDE OF ME AND IT HURTS! I HAVE EMOTIONS!!!”

“Eh, well it’s kinda retarded but you get the picture,” said the midget.

THE END

*ALTERNATIVE ENDING* -- The 8 inch butler meets a 7 inch tall elephant, and they proceed to have a battle-royale.

Jacob Buys a New Jacket

Jacob was never very fond of clothes. Well, no surprise there for Jacob didn't like a lot of things. Jacob really didn't like people. Jacob hated people.

"Hey Jacob! Do you want to come play baseball with us and then maybe go watch some space movies afterwards?" asked Jacob's neighbor, Skeeter.

"I would rather find a garden hose and stick it as far down your throat as I possibly could. I would then proceed to turn it on to its maximum level and watch the fluids peel through your flesh from the inside out," responded Jacob as he took off his pants.

"All right man. You're a bit creepy, but you have a face that looks like a President's face." Skeeter then walked away, never to be seen again.

Meanwhile, Jacob, pantless and sitting on his front patio, looked up at the sky and began to question God on the reason for existence.

"What is our purpose? If we did not exist before you created us, what motivation was there behind our creation? What necessity influenced your decision to create humans? People say we are here for a purpose or on a mission. However, before we existed, no mission would have existed, for there would be no world and no humans. It would seem redundant to create something whose only purpose is to fix a problem that only exists because of that same something," postulated Jacob as he took off his shirt.

"Well my dear little Jacob," responded God from the snowy mountains of Heaven, "Let me answer your question with another question. Do you want a new jacket?"

"EW! I hate clothes!" Yelled Jacob up to god.

"You know Jacob, my father once told me that I could grow up to be anything I want – a doctor, a fisherman, or even the ruler of the universe. I was naïve at the time, caught up in my mid-teens, and too focused on chasing girls and having fun to really listen to what he was trying to say. My point is Jacob, that just because you hate clothes today, doesn't mean that I CAN'T TURN THE WEATHER INTO A ICY HELL-STORM AND UNLEASH THE BITTER APOCALYPSE UPON YOUR TOWN!!! Now do you want the jacket before you get really cold?"

"I guess so…" Jacob thought, "Yeah. Yeah I'll take the jacket. How much?"

"Twelve fifty."

"OK."

Jacob bought the jacket at the reasonable price God offered. It was cozy, however it didn't protect him from the sharp blade which crushed his skull into pieces as the apocalypse raided his town and pillaged his mom.

The Untold Story of Finigus Lane

Timid yet noble, Finigus marched to the local market every morning in search of fresh fruits. Two peaches, three apples, and a septuplet of oranges were all Finigus needed to get him through his day.

“Good mornin’ Betty,” said Finigus to the attractive, young fish saleswoman.

“Well hello there Finigus. Mighty fine weather we’re havin’, eh?”

“Yes ma’am.”

Before going any further, there is something you should know about our dear old Finigus. Finigus did not feel pain, nor love, nor anger, nor hunger, nor joy, nor sorrow, nor even excitement. He was born without emotions. Some say it is because he has no heart, others say it is due to a tumor pressing upon the hypothalamic paraventricular nucleus in his brain. While most take these feelings for granted, Finigus cannot begin to dream of such sensations. He also had a lizard tongue.

Finigus returned home to his wife with a basket of fresh fruit later that morning.

“FINIGUS! TELL ME YOU LOVE ME!” Cried his wife.

Finigus put down the fruit, and turned to his wife. He looked at her for a moment; her smooth black hair and her deep brown eyes as hollow and dark as the night itself. He cleared his throat, “I am a man confined to the limits of motion; trapped within a world of expressions that mean nothing more than an action. I see blue - I do not feel blue. I see death - I do not fear death. When will I awake to find the beauty you speak of in this shallow world? I am a prisoner to my skeleton and the skin which surrounds it. If I am blessed to be alive and to breathe in the fresh air each day then why do I fail to feel the magnificence of such a miracle. I am nothing more than a mirror to the rest of the world.”

His wife looked back at him for a moment, not moving her position. Then she spoke, “Finigus, each night when we are alone in our room, I take off my clothes for you. You look back at me, and every time you are erect. Finigus, if you cannot feel anything, tell me, how then is this possible?”

Finigus flicked his lizard tongue out at his wife. “I’m not sure. That thing has a mind of its own.”

Just then there came a sinister chuckle from within the pants of Finigus.

This story is about a girl that I know… with metaphors.