The Future is so Last Week

It was about that time of the year for David Livingstone. It was the annual Kentucky Technology and Gizmo Convention. Time to introduce a new gadget to a crazy capitalized nation – who at first would always say, “I will never use something like that, plus it’s way too expensive.” Then in a few months time: “Where would I be without this new gadget? Oh how I love spending money. Money money money, spend spend spend!”

Mr. Livingstone is the C.E.O. of a consumer electronics and computer software company known as Pomegranate.

“BEHOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Mr. Livingstone exclaimed as the convention crowd gathered around him. “I hold in my hand the key to immortality.”

He held up what appeared to be a cup (*SPOILER ALERT*--since I am an omnipotent narrator I will tell you that it was not a cup, but in fact an 8 inch tall butler).

“Good day ladies and gentleman,” said the really freakin’ small butler, “Do any of you want some tea?”

“I would like some, please.” Said a man in the crowd whose nametag displayed the name: Fred Finckleton.

“Ah, Mr. Finckleton is it? I would be delighted to give you this cup of tea” (The cup of tea the butler held, by the way, was absurdly small. I would never degrade myself to a level where I would have to drink out of a cup so small. I like my cups big, and with a handle so I can keep a firm grip. Just the way us narrators like it.) “But first I need to heat it up – I am sure you would much more appreciate an appropriately heated drink.”

“Yeah, I guess would.” Guessed Mr. Frinckleton.

“Sure. Let me just put it in this Pomegranate-made microwave, which you will see is the most advanced microwave on the market. With this in your kitchen, you will never worry about over-cooking a microwaveable meal ever again. Allow me to demonstrate.” The butler put the tea in the microwave and set the timer to 4 days and 16 hours and pressed start.

“Woah!” yelled Mr. Finckleton, “That is way too long! Be careful! I’m worried! I’m Mr. Finckleton!”

“No need to panic, sir. The problem will correct itself, just be patient. In the mean time I would like to tell you the story of a show dog whose life was all about being pampered and groomed and loved by a rich family. Then one day, the family leaves for vacation and completely forgets about the dog. Joe Pesci and some other guy try to break into the house, but the dog sets up booby-traps using every day items and severely injures the two burglars. She then proceeds to sniff her butt for a week until the family retu…”

The microwave interrupted, exclaiming the statement “PLEASE REMOVE YOUR PEIROGIES! THEY ARE EXPLODING INSIDE OF ME AND IT HURTS! I HAVE EMOTIONS!!!”

“Eh, well it’s kinda retarded but you get the picture,” said the midget.

THE END

*ALTERNATIVE ENDING* -- The 8 inch butler meets a 7 inch tall elephant, and they proceed to have a battle-royale.