Yup, that was a homeless man shaving in the school bathroom...

I realize I have not posted anything in a while. I have been busy, and haven't had time to make anything new. Let's see... what can I write about...

I recently applied to be a ChaCha guide. That's new. ChaCha is a service similar to Google, except any question you have is answered by a real person who you text message. Text any question (Seriously, any question) to 242242, and within the next minute you will get your answer. I applied to be one of the "guides" who answers the questions.

I signed up, took a short test, then had to watch like a million informational videos, take some quizzes, and today was my BIG EXAM. They give you 10 real questions that were being asked at the moment, and it is up to you and what you learned to answer them.

Long story short, I failed (Although I don't find out for sure until next day or so since they have to grade my results). The reason I say I fail is, I got an opinion question: "What should I wear to my friend's funeral?". I panicked. I knew there was a "what should I wear" quick answer button somewhere, but I couldn't find it so I answered it with my own custom answer: "Your fancy pants and a top hat. Do the ChaCha!"

Fail.

So, in celebration of my recent endeavors, here are some real ChaCha questions and answers I sent and actually recieved back:

Q: To be or not to be?
ChaCha: That is the question... I say, to be!

Q: Should I go out tonight, or study Calculus?
ChaCha: Ask me all you want, I will always say... Study!!!

Q: Who is better looking: King Kong, or Lady GaGa?
ChaCha: Lady GaGa by far, King Kong is hot too though.
(I told you, any question AT ALL!)

Q: What is the best way to flirt with the person answering my ChaCha questions?
ChaCha: Sorry, you have exceeded you daily limit of questions.

P.S. If you are considering starting your own business, a growing trend in the world of advertisements and marketing is robotic gorillas. I would know, I'm a biology major.



Sorry I don't have anything else to say. Once I finish school, and retire from my job, which should be like 50-60 more years, then I will make some more posts. Or maybe I will make one tomorrow... eh.

Greatest Time Waster Ever!

Besides playing with your belly button.

I discovered an online program which allows you to make your very own animated movies, for FREE! You may have heard of it before: Xtra Normal at xtranormal.com.

It is fantastic, and is extremely easy to use. I finished my first film within an hour of discovering the site.

And here is that first film, for your viewing privileges, "Tuesday's Ball":



Simply go to the website, create an account, and begin!

They all look like legos.

If you make any videos, email them to djbuttaskotch@gmail.com. I would love to see them!

P.S. Temple Owls play Cornell today, 3/19/10, in the first round of the NCAA Tournament at 12:30 p.m.. Watch it, and GO OWLS!!!

Duck, duck, duck... BLOG!!!

Disclaimer: PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. INCLUDING THIS!

People talk about their lives in their blogs (Well, about 99.NINEEEEEEEE% of bloggers do). The other point ONE talk about their cats. So here I go, I am going to talk about my life:

(For people who hate reading many words, just read the things in bold and skip anything that isn't.)

I thought about growing my hair out the other day, but I can't fit shampoo into my budget.

I wrote a story an hour ago. The protagonist was present under the Christmas tree. It was small, and all the big presents made fun of it; the small Christmas present was very insecure about itself. Then, at dawn, the children came down the stairs. They immediately went for the larger gifts first, and the petite present protagonist watched as all of the bully presents were instantly ripped to shreds in a festive blaze of wrapping paper gore and ribbon guts! Rejoice!

With the money I save on not buying shampoo, I spend on straws.

I just finished my chemistry lab report. There was a question on it: "What is the overall order of the reaction between CV and hydroxide ion?" I didn't know the answer, so I wrote: "Assuming this is the first date between CV and the hydroxide ion, they most likely are at an upscale restaurant. CV, being more comfortable, for it is a pH indicator and surely has been on dates with nearly all of the periodic table and thus has more experience in such a situation, started by ordering a bottle of red wine. Seeing as wine is acidic, and the hydroxide ion is associated with a base - salt and water will be produced. This will provide both refreshments for the table and seasoning for the filet mignon that CV ordered. The overall order then will be: one bottle of red wine, filet mignon, and a... please don't give me negative points for this answer."

I will save up to a few THOUSAND straws.

I was listening to a song earlier today. I enjoyed it, but the lyrics were awful. It reminded me of when you are talking to a very attractive, yet extremely boring and uninteresting girl. It's like: 'Hey, what are you talking about? I am just going to tone out everything you say, and admire all your other aspects. I am also going to nod my head.' (Nodding either to the beat of the song, or to reassure the girl of your fake interest to her discussion's content.)

I will have all the straws laying next to me while sitting in front of my window which is on the 12th floor of my apartment's building. Then I will open the window, and take each straw, one-by-one, and stick them out the window, taping them each together, and moving them closer to the ground way below me.

I want to become a science journalist. I like science, and I like writing stuff. Only problem is, science journalism is a dying field of work. As it turns out, robots are taking over that particular area of the job market - because they have built in grammar and spell checkers and can write perfectly, have a built in database of every damn science experiment ever done, and don't require any wage because they are fucking robots and don't need money for anything. In fact, no job is safe from robots. The only job humans will be able to get in the future is being a robot programmer.

I will have my friend who is waiting right below me - outside - put a glass of water on the ground. Eventually I will reach the glass with my tape-forged and colossal straw, and drink - through the straw - from a glass, 12 stories below!

P.S. What is this website: http://www.saddestcaveman.com/

P.P.S. Not all people talk about their lives/cats in their blogs. In fact, some people don't talk at all. They just post pictures they drew. If I drew a picture about everything I just wrote, it would look like this:

No Sleep = This

The kid I sat next to on the plane, when offered peanuts or pretzels, chose the latter. He then bit and gnawed his pretzels and shaped them into the letters of his name - 'Chris' - and laid the masterpiece on his tray for me to see. I would have reminded him that he was in a public place, however, the girl on my other side had a Cosmopolitan magazine - so I was busy learning how to climax together with my partner, and also finding out what he was saying behind my back.

2 Possible Segues From the First Paragraph:

1st Segue: Speaking of planes, I have noticed this in the aisle of each plane I have been on:


Translation: The exit is on the left. The salad bar is on the right. If ever an emergency presents itself in which one needs to consume salad immediately, such as a severe and instantaneous onset of fiber deficiency, one can simply refer to the safety signs and locate the appropriate response location.

2nd Segue: Speaking of weird eating habits, here are the stomach contents of someone with the disorder Pica:

1,440 items in all. Pica is a mental disorder in which the patient develops a appetite for random and unhealthy crap - like coins, chalk, and literally crap itself.

Okay, so I need to sleep now. But I have class in an hour. Hmm... I have options.

Perha;sjd/kstonakn asdfadsdejjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjja m ... oh, well I fell asleep on the keyboard and now I don't have to go to class, seeing as I just looked at the clock and it appears that it ended about 2 hours ago.

No more options.

P.S. I don't follow my dreams. They follow me!

RE: Spring Break

Well that was fun - beaches, sushi, and many expensive things that I could not afford but could imagine buying and having lots of fun with.

Being a rich and famous celebrity would be fun. I would drive around in a nice car, and when I use valet parking at a fancy restaurant I would tip the valet with my car and walk home and just buy a new one the next day.

Also, don't walk through Drive-throughs in California. It is illegal apparently.

I plan on making some new posts in the future. Just nothing right now. I am tired, uncreative, soar (I often confuse the spelling of that word with sour. Although, after licking my hand, both words work well when describing me), fatigued, hairy, and immortal.

However, I will show you what I did to my Windows laptop. I "Mac-ified" it. This is the desktop of my new PC/Mac hybrid:



After playing around a little bit with it, and after downloading a cool icon function program, this is my desktop as of right NOW:



It is perfect, and since I enjoy it so much I had to share it with you. If you don't care, email me at djbuttaskotch@gmail.com with the subject title: 'I Don't Care', and the message body as follows:

Dear Matt,

I don't care.

Sincerely,

(Your Name)

I will respond with a message that will include the recipe for a very delicious breakfast burrito and a link to a Kevin Bacon's Wikipedia article. Over the course of this e-mail writing/sending you will waste approximately 1 minute and 30 seconds of your life typing your message and briefly reading through mine, at which point you will realize that you would have been better off just enjoying the screen shots of my PC/Mac in the first place.

In that 1 minute and 30 seconds you wasted you could have done many things:

Things to do in 1 Minute and 30 Seconds:

• Listen to the first half of the song: 3 Minute Song by Josh Wilson
  
• Look at your watch/a clock for 1 minute and 30 seconds
• Minimum required time for cooking a Hot Pocket (Although 2 min. is preferred)
• Brush your teeth (With possible BONUS TIME to shave your uni-brow)
• Listen to the second half of the song: 3 Minute Song by Josh Wilson
  

As you can see, it is best you just enjoy and care about what I show you - or you will face the consequences.

P.S. If you cared, you earned this:

Spring Break

Starts now.

I am hiring employees to keep Creamfilled updated with the latest technological fads while I am gone. If you are interested, here is the Creamfilled Employee Handbook:

THE CREAMFILLED HANDBOOK

Welcome.

A Cream-Filled Blog^TM

Creamfilledblog.blogspot.com

CHAPTER 1 – Hi.

So you’re a Creamfilled employee now. Think you got what it takes? Well, most likely you don’t, unless you are either a wizard or Jesus. But you’re not. So leave.

Are you still here? Good. That was a test. If you are still reading this you passed. You need a certain level of commitment if you are going to work for Creamfilled.

At Creamfilled, we like our crust cut off and removed from the rest of the sandwich. Will you remove that crust for us? If not, you are fired.

We also like to change our fonts from time to time. Got a problem with that? You’re fired.

So anyways, hi. And welcome aboard the S.S.Creamfilled.

CHAPTER 2 – Don’t be a douche.

Seriously. I mean it.

Relations between coworkers should be similar to that of a female Black Widow spider and her mate, where immediately following the mating process, the female consumes the male as food.

What did you want to be when you grew up? I don’t care. You work for me, now.

This handbook doesn’t even make sense.

CHAPTER 3 – Payment.

You will be paid monthly in the form of drawings I made of hamsters. Most of the hamsters will have swords, and will be fighting in castles.

You will get 60% more hamsters for every hour of overtime you work, and double the hamsters every hour overtime you work on a holiday.

If you are not satisfied with your payment, see chapter 2.

This concludes The Creamfilled Handbook. Now get out there and do something. I’m not really sure what it is we do, but as long as you do something, I will be happy. It doesn’t even have to be related to Creamfilled. If you participate in a carwash to help raise money to fund the boosters program of a local high school girls soccer team, that counts as something. And I will be happy.

And now it is time for me to go to LA for spring break, where I will turn in my screenplay about a High School janitor who sells drugs to the students, has an affair with the lunch lady, is caught peeping in the girl's locker room, is fired, and then goes blind and plays the cello beautifully and becomes world famous for his talent. Welcome to Hollywood.

P.S. Here is your signing bonus:

TURN THE VOLUME UP ON THIS BLOG!!!

David was feeling brave today, so he turned off his Google Safe Search. He glanced at the 'moderate' setting, then thought to himself, "Pfft. Don't even waste my time." David then saved his settings, and made his first search of the day: Farm animals. His life would never be the same from that moment on.

I lost my flashdrive today, which means I lost all of my MS Paint drawings. Which means you have no pictures to look at. Just words. I can make emoticons, which are are kind of like pictures made of words, but those are gay. Enjoy your raw words. I also lost all my pictures of the cute animals.

I don't like the phrase "I have to pee like a racehorse", so I made this one: I have to pee like ' L, M, N, O'. When you think about it, it kind of makes sense, but then you think about it some more, and realize that it doesn't.

Stanley is a fat persons name.

I'm not a business man, but I do occasionally walk around in a suit, with a buddy who is also wearing a suit, and talk about a meeting we just went to and I say things like, "Can you believe that guy?" and pretend that I am important.

A lot of blogs are about shoes and clothes and the such. So I decided I would have a fashion section on my blog -
Fashion Tip of the Week: Clothes. Wear them.

I decided I need to put a picture in this post, so I did some Google searching, and found this:



Looks good. And oh yeah, there is a sequel:



That is deliciously offensive.

Current Events: I am right behind you...

Sorry, I do realize that this post was a bit ferocious and unnecessary (I think those adjectives describe it perfectly well), but I just finished off a grande hot chocolate.

Is that even a real excuse?

Eh.

P.S. Anyone want to go see Avatar with me?

When I Die

When I die, I want to be buried at an ancient Indian burial site, so I can haunt the ghosts who haunt other people.

When I die, I want my entire body put in a soup can. When someone at a restaurant says, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup." Someone else can one-up him saying, "Waiter, there is an entire body of a dead man floating in my soup."

When I die, I want to be a body of a victim on the show CSI. I also want to have a kissing scene with the lead actress. Then I want her lover on the show to get jealous, and with a twist in the plot, murder me and have the story to be continued on next week's episode.

When I die, I want my body to be used as one of those British soldiers.

(Queen's gaurd)

When I die, I want college students to draw obnoxious things on my face with a permanent marker, such as glasses, a mustache, a uni-brow, penises, etc.. When people see me like that in the casket, they will think, "Wow, he must have had a really wild time last night."

When I die, I will set my facebook status to "is dead".

When I die, I will let my friend take me wherever he goes so that whenever he farts, and people start making comments on the smell, he can blame it on my dead body.

That's all I got.

If you can think of your own, post them in the comments section. I would enjoy seeing what you come up with.

P.S. Police arrest Ronald McDonald for pot use: Link to Full Story

Top 10 Cutest Animals on the Internet

With commentary!

They are in no particular order. You probably will recognize a few, because honestly who hasn't typed 'cute animals' into Google at one point.

10.
'
Is he clapping or trying to swat a fly that's buzzing around his face? Who cares, he's adorable.

9.

These are hard to give captions to because all I want to say is 'awwwwwwwww.'

8.

This one may be my favorite. And I am sure the one on the right was like, "Hey, you got something on your chest." And then flicked his nose when he looked down. Classic.

7.

I love fawns and I love squirrels. I couldn't decide on my favorite pictures of them separately, so I chose one with a fawn talking to a squirrel.

6.

Does the song make this? Perhaps, until you notice that his backpack is a penguin! Awesome to the max!

5.

I had to.

4.

Those eyes sold it. Honorable mention for cub goes to: http://tinyurl.com/coaafx
3.

I was iffy about this one, until I saw the toilet paper roll.

2.

If only this was on my kitchen table every morning...

1.

I drew an otter for one of my other posts. Someday the world will love them the way I do.

I have all of these pictures saved on a flashdrive. I plan on having it buried with me when I die.

Also, be careful when searching for 'cute chick' on Google. Especially if you have safe search turned off...

P.S. If you have some cute animal pictures you would like to share, email them to me at djbuttaskotch@gmail.com.