Will Blog for Food

The following are real conversations overheard on the elevator earlier this week:

Girl 1: I'm going to poke holes in all of your condoms and steal your birth control.
Girl 2: Whatever, I'll just take it up the ass.

New Girl 1: Your feet are really big.
Guy 1: I have a horse cock.
---------------------------------------------------------
It isn't a competition but...

If I walk into a bathroom, and you are already at the sink, and I finish my business, and you are still at the sink, and I wash my hands and walk out, and you are still at the sink - you lose.

If you spell "definitely" any other way than that - you lose.
See: Link

If you voted for McCain - you lost.

If you do this in your spare time:

- you lose.

If you read A Cream-Filled Blog - you win.

If you are a bear - you win. Unless you are knitting, as bears are not well known for having good finger dexterity.
---------------------------------------------------------

If you haven't already, visit my new website:

www.ilikeyourjacket.com

And get your smile on.

Knock it off up there...

I thought I had a good idea when I made this video:



As soon as I uploaded it to Youtube, I discovered it had already been done, by a million other people! It was such a let down for the creative side of my brain - which I believe is the right hemisphere, and the left hemisphere is dedicated to logic and reasoning. This is what it probably looks like up there:



There is a lot more empty pizza boxes on the left side of my brain, and a lot more Rolexes on the logic side. When I made that satirical video of the Tempur-pedic commercial, my creative side was like, "Oh yeah. We rock! Suck on these ingenious and witty balls, logic side!" And my logic side was like, "Whatever." and then boarded their yachts and took puffs from their wooden pipes.

Then I discovered that I was not the first to think of this. And I can only imagine that the logic side enjoyed that, and were probably like, "Well now, would you look at that. You know plagiarism is a serious crime. Oh, and suck on these logistic and analytical balls." And my creative side, sadly was like, "Whatever." and then ordered some more pizza and took puffs from their bongs. (There is too much smoking going on in my brain)

And that is how you get headaches.

Yo dawg, it's a blawg!

So I can be a dick sometimes. I was getting tired of the extremely slow internet connection at my apartment, so I decided to send them an email with some suggestions to help better the connection:

To: The Edge Apartments
From: Matt
Subject: A Friendly Suggestion

Dear whomever this may concern,

I am a resident here, and I would just like to recommend - regarding the internet connection - that perhaps it is about time to upgrade. Even if it is only to dial up, I still have a feeling that would be a bit faster than what it is that you use now, which I assume is just a guy who sits in the basement, recieves a message whenever someone requests to go to a specific website, walks over to Temple University campus, enters the library and logs onto a computer there, looks up the requested website, takes a picture of the page, walks back to the Edge apartment, and sends the picture of the website to the person who requested it, and then repeats this process. That method is fine and all, but sometimes it takes so long to get to the website that I get the feeling this person doesn't have any legs, which may slow him down a bit. Not that I have anything against the handicapped, it's just for this specific job a more qualified employee would be one who ran track before, or at least has legs.

I am sending this message via my blackberry, because I know if I used my laptop here, the time that it took the message to get to you would be the equivalence of if I were to move to China and establish a citizenship, get a job and make enough money to buy myself a nice set of property, write a letter addressed to you, send it, only to have it sent back because I incorrectly formatted it (I would still be getting use to the new culture's mailing format), re-address it, and send it again (assuming that you're still in business and that all of your residents haven't left due to little to no internet service at all). Just a friendly suggestion.

Regards,

Sherburt Montgomery

P.S. Please don't turn off my water for a week because of this email.

I used my alias to protect my room from loss of electricity and water for "unknown reasons". I sent this a week ago, but I haven't heard back, and my internet still moves at the same rate it would have in 1996. However, they have free coffee in the lobby, so we'll call it even.

And hey, if you think I'm a jerk, at least I'm not a cube:

A website that will like you more than you like it

My friends and I have just launched a new website just for you!

ilikeyourjacket.com:



Here's the link: LINK!!!

It makes the internet a little bit friendlier, one compliment at a time.

I hope you enjoy it. And just wait for ihateyourjacket.com!

P.S. Someone made a Facebook fan page for it: Become a fan

Math Jokes: For People Who Have sin(π) Friends.

Do you remember two posts ago, when I mentioned that online Calculus homework site? Well, I had a few assignments again to do this weekend, and I swear to you, the people who made that site either do very large amounts of drugs or do moderate amounts of drugs but with bodies that have very low tolerance. Whenever you get an answer right, a little picture pops up on the screen with a nifty positive comment:



I solved an answer only to find some sort of mythical personified pony unicorn dressed in Shakespearean attire with his horn supporting a holiday wreath, bowing at me. I was a little nervous to continue solving problems, not being sure what sort of creature would pop out next. Then:



Is that a spider-cow? Or a small cow who was trapped in a spider web? Actually, if you study it, it proves to be the foremost: a half-spider, half-cow, who has trapped unsuspecting grass on its sticky cow-silk web and is now feasting upon its helpless victim.

If only there was a sign as to what the creators of this site were thinking...



... Just as I suspected. But as time went on, I began to notice that perhaps these guys have a problem. They just don't know when to stop:



So anyways, I'm pretty sure my calculus homework needs to go to rehab.

P.S. Are you a fan?

It's Easter Eggain!

And the egg puns begin. Eggcelent. Eggstreme. Eggstravagant. Eggstraterrestrial! In the world of puns, the egg ones will never go Eggstinct.

You may have noticed a few changes to the site. For one, there are no more Ads between each post. I realized that you can't sell out if you have nothing to sell. I'm going to have to wait until Cream-Filled Blog gets its own TV series (it would most likely be a talk show with host Tom Hanks and the musical performer every night will be me playing a song from my iTunes playlist or even just a Youtube video that I thought was kind of funny) until I start advertising on it again.

This doesn't mean I will stop advertising the blog itself. In fact, I have done quite the opposite:



I thought of a good Easter pick-up line: (Sexy deep voice implied) Hey there, what do ya say we go back to your place and maybe I could try to find your egg.

Ew.

My biology professor said that reptiles evolved into birds as an adaptation to their food, which were flying insects. And that's when it hit me! All we have to do is eat a bunch of flying bugs and humans will grow wings! It's that simple! I love science.

A Cream-Filled Blog Facebook Fan Page was just opened by the Vice President/Secretary/Manager/Regional Manager/Co-Regional Manager/Joint-Co-Regional Manager of Intermediate Sales/Janitor of Cream-Filled the other day (That is literally her title). She earned her hamsters. Become a fan at: click right here, dude!

"To err is human, and to party is to err! Let's be humans!" This was a toast I made at a party the other night. I was pleased to see that it really set the tone.

That's all, yolks!

(Oh good god, that was too cheesy. I almost feel like I need to say a swear word or talk about boobs to regain some of my masculinity.)

P.S. Boobs.

Hey Look... A Blog!

I have online homework to do for my Calculus class. The program is ridiculous. You can only signal multiplication via parenthesis (I hate parenthesis (irony)):



I certainly don't intend to cheat my wife, however, if I were to ever do so, I would want it to be at a county fair. Then it would be: "An affair at a fair". On top of that, my wife would say, "It isn't fair that you had an affair at a fair." Best case pun scenario, there was an unreasonable price to pay for a boat ride at this carnival, and I could assure my wife, "No, it wasn't fair to pay the fair's fairly far out fare for the fairy at the fair on my affair." While my wife and I have this discussion, I would be holding an issue of Vanity Fair. Now onto other affairs:

I made a Yahoo Answers account. There is an surprisingly large amount of people out there who enjoy answering other people's homework questions. However, I decided to ask something other than that:


If you read my last post, you will know I applied to work for ChaCha. I got the job. Now I earn very, very, very small amounts of money for answering questions like "What does a sheep penis look like?" and "Is it okay to eat poop, as long as you brush your teeth after?".

I wish I was capable of doing back flips:
"Hey Matt, do you have your Lab report? It is due today."
"No I don't professor. But check this out."
*Back flip*
"Hot damn, Matt! That was impressive! A plus!"
"And..."
"And all the money in my wallet. You earned it."
"Damn right I did."

I saw a mime the other day doing what I HOPE was an impression of someone eating a carrot. Regardless, he is going to have to reconsider his performance routine. It looked almost like that would be illegal to do on a public sidewalk.

Friend: "Love is a battlefield and I'm stuck running around with a squirt gun."
Me: "Like a super soaker?"
Friend: "Yeah, I mean, it's just a metaphor though for being vulnerable."
Me: "I gotch'ya. I'm in the same situation. Except my enemy is wearing a white t-shirt."