Yo dawg, it's a blawg!

So I can be a dick sometimes. I was getting tired of the extremely slow internet connection at my apartment, so I decided to send them an email with some suggestions to help better the connection:

To: The Edge Apartments
From: Matt
Subject: A Friendly Suggestion

Dear whomever this may concern,

I am a resident here, and I would just like to recommend - regarding the internet connection - that perhaps it is about time to upgrade. Even if it is only to dial up, I still have a feeling that would be a bit faster than what it is that you use now, which I assume is just a guy who sits in the basement, recieves a message whenever someone requests to go to a specific website, walks over to Temple University campus, enters the library and logs onto a computer there, looks up the requested website, takes a picture of the page, walks back to the Edge apartment, and sends the picture of the website to the person who requested it, and then repeats this process. That method is fine and all, but sometimes it takes so long to get to the website that I get the feeling this person doesn't have any legs, which may slow him down a bit. Not that I have anything against the handicapped, it's just for this specific job a more qualified employee would be one who ran track before, or at least has legs.

I am sending this message via my blackberry, because I know if I used my laptop here, the time that it took the message to get to you would be the equivalence of if I were to move to China and establish a citizenship, get a job and make enough money to buy myself a nice set of property, write a letter addressed to you, send it, only to have it sent back because I incorrectly formatted it (I would still be getting use to the new culture's mailing format), re-address it, and send it again (assuming that you're still in business and that all of your residents haven't left due to little to no internet service at all). Just a friendly suggestion.

Regards,

Sherburt Montgomery

P.S. Please don't turn off my water for a week because of this email.

I used my alias to protect my room from loss of electricity and water for "unknown reasons". I sent this a week ago, but I haven't heard back, and my internet still moves at the same rate it would have in 1996. However, they have free coffee in the lobby, so we'll call it even.

And hey, if you think I'm a jerk, at least I'm not a cube: